The Bitch Is Back

A lot has happened in the world since my last post.

With Glenn Beck as their fearless leader, thousands of lunatic, gun toting men and the women who love them held rallies is major cities all over the country. In the beginning they proudly proclaimed themselves to be Teabaggers until someone got wise to exactly what that means and they casually decided to start referring to themselves as Tea Party-ers. I assume they hoped that the rest of us wouldn't notice the switch. Sadly, since a clan of angry white men running around state capitals proudly telling the world just where they'd like to stick their balls is the greatest thing to happen to me since Dick Cheney shot his friend in the face, I promise never to forget.

According to this ABC Affiliate, 92 famous people died in 2009. Among them are Gordon's wife from Sesame Street (you know, the lady from 227--no, not Jackee, and not the lady from The Jeffersons. The other one), Brittany Murphy (who I saw swear to Ellen Degeneres that she was speaking in full sentences at 6-months-old), and University of Georgia's bulldog mascot. I know there were plenty of other famous people (and possibly animals) who died in 2009, but these folks at ABC have defined "famous" so loosely that I couldn't make it further than example 20 without falling asleep, so I can't list them all for you.

In October, the Dow closed above 10,000 for the first time since October 3rd, 2008 even though I'm told that Obama is running this country into complete financial ruin. Al Franken was finally sworn in as the freshman senator from Minnesota, health insurance reform passed, 25 coal minors died in West Virginia due to lax regulation, 11 oil drillers died off the coast of Louisiana due to lax regulation, an ecosystem was destroyed. I could go on. My point is--there's a lot of shit I could have written about in the last 15 months. Instead, I have sat on my ass feeling uninspired and sorry for myself.

Well, I'm back. No gimmicks, just getting back to basics and typing whatever pops into my head (that won't get me fired). This is my 60th post to DISCONNECT, but it won't be my last. There are fascinating topics on the horizon. Jen and I are driving on a cross country adventure next week; it's festival season here in Columbus, and that means lots of suburbanites to make fun of; the midterm elections are right around the corner; did I mention my brother-in-law is living with us; and, oh yeah, there are still a million gallons of oil spewing into the ocean every day. I want to talk about all of it.

In the meantime, I've started a new site where I'm uploading some posts from my old blogging days at myspace. Just a little something to remind myself of where I came from and what it felt like not to give a shit what human resources or anyone else thought about what I had to say. Unlike in banking, there are no confidentiality laws in cookie sales.

Now, like Tina Fey says, "Bitches get shit done." So let's get to work.

Homer Simpson Politics

Thank God in Heaven that MSNBC is bringing news junkies like myself the stories that really matter. In case no one else has noticed, MSNBC has the most attractive anchors in twenty-four-hour news, but aside from that, MSNBC is the self-described, "place for politics." How could I not watch?

Well, today the good folks at my favorite cable news network are doing more than their share to help undecided voters pick their ponies. In the most exciting presidential race in forty years, a race with no incumbent president or vice president running for either party, a race (especially on the democratic side) that is closer than anyone would have ever expected, only the folks at MSNBC are doing their part to leave no stone unturned. In the last two hours, MSNBC has shown me, eager viewer numero uno, the same compelling graphic no less than three times, and now I would like to share it with you:

Campaign Bakery Bills:
Clinton: $5,950.53
Dodd: $3,301.22
Obama: $1,877.28
McCain: $1,040.49
Romney: $ 992.91
courtesy of MSNBC

Yes, Dear Friends (an expression I've picked up from Senator McCain), isn't it just like a liberal to be a big spender in the pastry department. But I have to hand it to her, Senator Clinton knows that the way to a voter's heart is through his or her stomach and has allocated her donut money accordingly. Senator Obama, widely accepted as the most liberal candidate has spent less than 2 grand on donuts. Who are you trying to fool, Senator Obama? Don't think that, just because you're in the middle of the pack in the pastry expenditures department, the more fiscally conservative independents are going to be foolish enough to think you're not going to spend this country into the ground. Governor Romney, that cheap bastard, never even broke the thousand dollar mark. Perhaps it is this thriftiness that's made him the millionaire that he is.

More telling than what's on the chart is what isn't. Where's Mike Huckabee? Perhaps, as a thank you for spreading The Word, Sweet Baby Jesus, Himself, provides the Southern Baptist preacher and vehement creationist with donuts free of charge. Governor Huckabee is, after all, in the business of miracles. Just ask him. And where is everyone's favorite libertarian, Ron Paul? Well, I think the answer is simple. He firmly believes that the government should not be responsible for supplying its people with pastries. The people should feel free to invest their pastry money in what ever way they see fit. Maybe they don't want to invest in pastries at all. Maybe they're a bacon and eggs kind of crowd. "Buy your own fucking breakfast," says the Texas congressman.

Tune in next week when MSNBC reveals which candidate tops the list in toilet paper spending.

My Ass Is Chapped

Robert Johnson (as in the founder of BET, not the blues guitarist who famously sold his soul to the devil) alluded to Barack Obama's drug use when he introduced Hilary Clinton at a stump speech last week. Fine. It lacks tact. If the media wants to point that out, okay. I personally don't give a shit if Obama wants to snort blow off his desk in the Oval Office, should he get there. Maybe he does his best thinking when his pupils are the size of dimes. Here's my issue. Everyone is taking this enlightened stance, saying that no one should care what the candidates did in their youth. I agree with that. The thing that pisses me off is this. Anyone remember the 1992 campaign and the way these same pundits wanted to crucify Bill Clinton over the fact that he smoked pot in the '60s? Could the media please just point out and embrace its own hypocrisy? If Obama is willing to own up to his own mistakes, so should they. Maybe the fact that we no longer care whether or not the candidates led exemplary lives before they entered the public arena is a good thing. It shows we're growing as a nation. I'm not sure where we should draw the line, but I guess we'll cross that bridge when we get to it.