Saturday, March 22, 2008
5:16 p.m.
Out back of the Chalet
We went into town and I had the kind of cramps that could drive a girl to grab a steak knife and cut out her own reproductive organs. I mean, what the fuck? I’ve got no plans to use the shit. Cramps are SO the antithesis of everything bachelor party.
While the men sat in the bar watching West By God Virginia beat up on Duke, I walked down the main strip and tried not to spend money. But what’s a girl to do when she walks past a store and see’s “Designer sunglasses $9.99?” My mother’s voice shoved and elbowed its way from the back of my head past the worry about what I’m supposed to do with my life and the resentment for my reproductive system and it said, “Get yourself some good sunglasses.”
I walked into the store and recklessly tried on sunglasses that countless other folks, lice infected honeymooners and blue haired old ladies already on the lookout for Christmas discounts for their grandkids, had already slid behind their greasy ears. Nothing looked good and as soon as I heard the clerk recommending “a pair of Nike’s that are perfect for wide heads” to a man with a wide head, I took off, afraid that he’d look at me and make the same embarrassing suggestion.
Thinking I was destined to leave Gatlinburg sunglassesless, I moseyed on down the road. I walked not fifty feet and was greeted with another in a long line of Easter Weekend miracles. There to my left was an Oakley store. I went in thinking I would just look around. As far as I knew, these were expensive sunglasses. Imagine my delight when I realized that these were rip-offs too. I can’t even tell you what the sunglasses I bought look like, but I know that I’m staving off cataracts and crow’s feet and it only cost me ten bucks.
5 comments:
I'm reading On the Road and loving your timely blog posts. I think everyone buys cheap sunglasses on road trips, it's in the manual or something. Also, I hope your party was drunken and fantastic... no good excuses for my absence, except that I was in a couch and robe mood that night...
This post made me laugh out loud. (And I needed that.)
It's a good thing I wasn't there. I would have been all over those $9.99 Designer Sunglasses. I've nothing better to do with my wealth.
Um, I needed to tell you that I might accidentally have flagged your blog?! I'm not sure, though. See, what happened is that my pointer was hovering (apparently) over that innocuous looking gray button at the top of the screen that says FLAG BLOG and my index finger accidentally clicked, and as soon as I did the button changed to UNFLAG BLOG, which I immediately clicked again. I have no idea what's up with that, but in case for some bizarre reason you find that someone flagged your blog, I wanted to fess up. It was an accident, and I would never actually flag your blog.
What kind of suck ass reason is "I was in a couch and robe mood"...Just wondering
As a member of the wide-headed, I feel your pain. Also, Gatlinburg. I never ever want to be there again.
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