I spend all day in a low-walled cubicle taking shit from people and talking to answering machines in the naive hope that someone will actually be stupid enough to call back so that I can verbally break their kneecaps over their unpaid medical bills and Lane Bryant credit cards. Yesterday, as an added bonus, my headset was busted and I spent eight hours with a fundamentalist Christian radio station chirping in my ear. Between 11:00 and noon, I was treated with an infomercial in favor of virginity until marriage. The woman giving the talk was nice enough to tie science into her argument. It seems blind faith and a strong desire not to get knocked up or The HIV is no longer enough of a reason for people to abstain. Now the Christian right is trying to scare us with neurochemistry. According to our host, semen is God's "superhuman glue." I left my phone in idle for a couple minutes to jot that one down. Spooge is "God's superhuman glue and it's used to make new life." Additionally, one of the chemicals released in the brain when we have sex is diminished with each subsequent partner. According to this woman, the awkward, fumbly sex that I had as a sixteen-year-old with my first girlfriend was the best it was ever going to be. Maybe there's something to this. For example, the most mind-blowing orgasm I've ever had was while my first girlfriend and I were watching The Color Purple. If I'd known then what I know now, maybe I would have fought a little harder to keep her. I am hereby
instating a three partner limit. This Christian brain juice stuff could be for real, and I don't want to risk a life of mediocre sex. Sure this means that by the time I'm forty I'll be limited to dating 15-year-olds and ugly people, but hey, I can't possibly enjoy myself if the girl I'm with isn't.