I Think I'm Going to Throw Up

I walked into my quite clean apartment a few minutes ago and turned on the light. Out of the corner of my eye I spotted something defiantly frolicking across my kitchen floor. It was, how do I say this? THE BIGGEST FUCKING BUG I HAVE EVER SEEN OUTSIDE OF INDIANA JONES AND THE TEMPLE OF DOOM! Now, I'm kind of like MacGyver when it comes to killing bugs. It's all about thinking outside the box. In this instance I needed there to be absolutely no way of actually coming into contact with the kitten-sized creature. I also needed to not hear the impending crunching sound. Most importantly, I needed not to take my eyes off it or make any sudden motions lest I scare the thing into hiding and, therefore, have to break the lease on my apartment leaving all of my stuff behind in the crippling fear that the thing might wish to feed on me in the night. I was standing between my coffee table and my television. Within arms reach I had a few lightweight paperbacks, a mason jar full of pens and nails, my television, and some bamboo. The thought of throwing my television at the thing (let's call him Beelzebug) was, thankfully, fleeting. I knew I couldn't do much damage with the paperbacks, and, while you can make everything from hardwood floors to bed linens out of bamboo, I didn't think it would be of much use either. Then I spotted it. My large, hardback copy of World Philosophy: An Explanation in Words and Images. Let's just call it what it is. It's a book on world religions. So, I picked the thing up, slowly so as not to frighten my uninvited guest. I did a little mental calculation of the distance so as to determine the force with which I would need to toss the book (I knew I only had one shot at this). I said a brief prayer, "bless me Father, for I am about to crush the shit out of one of your children." I launched. Do you know what it sounded like when it came crashing down on Beelzebug? It sounded like a heavy, wide book being dropped on a tile floor. No crunching noise. I was half expecting the book to just bounce off the back of this six-legged equivalent of a linebacker. Or for there to be a two second pause before Beelezebug carted my book away on his back. Thankfully, the book seems to have done the trick, but now I have a problem almost as dire as the bug being in the apartment in the first place. I can't just leave the book there. I mean, I could, but I shouldn't. At some point cleanup is going to be necessary. Here are some of the things I'm struggling with. Do I first jump up and down on the back of the book so as to ensure that the little fucker is dead? Do I just plow ahead and pick up the book like a girl with ovaries and tell myself that I'm not completely repulsed by the carnage? I think I'll definitely slip the book cover off and put the book back on the coffee table. I didn't need the cover anyway. This is going to be among the most ghastly things I've ever had to endure. Why do bad things happen to good people? Well, I guess there's no time like the present. Be right back........Turns out the answer is, jump up and down on book, remove book jacket, back away in case the thing really is from the devil and it wants to jump out at you just to prove a point, lift book jacket off floor, push contents of stomach back down your esophagus, take picture for blog, sweep up carcass with broom and dust pan, flush carcass, flush once more for good measure (I like to think that even Al Gore would approve of this waste of water) mop floor with undiluted Mr. Clean, forget about sleeping tonight, instead lay awake in bed scratching at phantom itches that can only be explained by giant bugs crawling all over you.