My Canadian Marriage Never Mattered

As some of you reading this are probably aware, in 2003 I went to Toronto with a chronically depressed, bulimic morphine addict and did the most sensible thing I could think of--I married her. I didn't really want to, but I also didn't want to hurt her feelings, and since the whole getting married thing was the reason we drove the 8 hours from Columbus in the first place, it seemed like I should hold up my end of the bargain. The closest thing I had to a bachelorette party was when, the day before we were to be married, my betrothed couldn't bring herself to stop doing drugs get out of bed, and I spent the afternoon walking around town alone. I did some window shopping and treated myself to dinner. Then I went to Second City. The same improv company that brought us Dan Aykroyd and the lady who played Kevin's mom in the Home Alone movies. We'd already gone once, but I found out that every evening after the official performance, anyone who wanted to could stick around or come in off the street and watch company rehearse for free. So I went and, while I waited for the show to let out, I had a couple drinks at the bar and flirted with the bar tender. This was the highlight of my time in Toronto. There were brief, hopeful moments when I thought maybe, just maybe my fiance would be too altered, tired, busy throwing up, or some combination of the three to go through with the ceremony. Well, let me tell you, love really does conquer all. That girl, who just 12 hours before hadn't been able to hold her own head up, sprang out of bed like a gymnast when the big day finally arrived. I've officially been married for 8 years, 4 months, and 10 days, and I've regretted every one of them. Well guess what the number one requirement for getting a Canadian divorce is. If you guessed being a Canadian resident, you win a block of 100% pure maple candy.      

Anyway, I've written about this epic mistake before, and it's not the point of this post. The point of this post is that a little over a week ago someone in the Canadian government tried to say that my super legitimate marriage was, in fact, invalid. Not because at least one of us was high when the ceremony took place. Not because a big part of the reason I agreed to get married was that I was afraid my girlfriend would kill herself if I said no. No, they were saying my marriage was invalid because neither my wife nor I are Canadian citizens. The nerve.

We know now that the proclamation was a false alarm, but I nearly cried when I first heard that I might be off the hook where my marriage was concerned. The thing is, I'm now in a relationship with someone whom I'd very much like to marry. In this country. When doing so becomes legal. I don't know much about the United States' polygamy laws. I don't know if, once they legalize gay marriage here, my big Canadian screw up would automatically transfer, making me also legally wed in this country. Another thing I don't know. Where my wife is or whether or not she's still alive. What I'm saying is, I wish my friends up north would decide that my marriage is invalid, I'd be just about the happiest discriminated against lesbian you'd ever meet. And that's the sticky wicket.

The threatened invalidation of the estimated 2,500 same-sex marriages that have been conducted over the last 9 years would be great for me, but it would be kind of a kick to the balls for the other 2,499 couples (okay, let's be honest, what's the divorce rate in this country? I'm not the only person who hasn't seen their gay Canadian wife/husband in more than 5 years). My point is, making sure that gays don't get kicked in the balls is something I care deeply about. Specifically, marriage equality for same-sex couples is something I not only care deeply about, but that I also actively (by active I mean once every few months) advocate for through my website, I Can't Get Married. And that's why what I've already said, that I think it would be awesome if all the foreign gay Canadian marriages were declared invalid, and what I'm getting ready to say make me a hypocrite, and an asshole. Here goes. As far as I'm concerned, the Canadian government would be right to say same-sex couples from other countries who were married in Canada aren't really married after all. Those foreign gay Canadian marriages have never been valid in any legal way that matters. Not really. When I got back to Ohio after getting hitched, I wasn't any more married than I had been before I left. I couldn't file my taxes with my wife (full disclosure: she was on disability and food stamps, so she didn't exactly have to file anyway). No one would defer to me when it came to deciding what to do with my wife's body in the likely event of her unfortunate demise. We couldn't appear on The Newlywed Game. And just as my marriage wasn't recognized here, and I, therefore, couldn't benefit from all the wonderful, U.S. government sanctioned benefits of marriage, neither was the Canadian government having to grant me any of the legal benefits that go along with being a wedded Canadian couple. I don't know what these benefits are, but I assume personalized hockey jerseys are part of the deal.

According to some of the reactions I'm reading about, non-Canadian gay folks are up in arms about this recent proclamation. They feel like if the Canadian government were to invalidate these marriages then said government would be discriminating against them. Well let me clue you in on something. The Canadian government wouldn't be discriminating against you. YOUR UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT IS DISCRIMINATING AGAINST YOU! Suppose I wasn't already married in Canada and my former co-worker and penis wielding friend Jason and I went to The Great White North and got hitched. We'd come back to the states, show our marriage certificate to whomever it is within our government that you show these things to, and wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am we'd be married in the U.S. He dies? I can tell the undertaker to cremate him, take his cremains home, and flush him down the toilet (per his wishes).

While I'm on my little rant, let me just finish up my semi-defense of the Canadian government deciding to put my marriage out of its misery by pointing out that, in at least one very important way, we (when I say "we" I mean right minded people who think that two grown, consenting adults should be able to marry each other regardless what combination of reproductive organs their collectively sporting) have been dealing with this brand of discrimination and disappointment at the exclusive hands of our own country for years. A Same-sex couple living in Omaha, Nebraska who traveled 1900 miles to Vancouver to get married is in no better or worse shape legally than a same-sex couple living in Alexandria, VA who drives 15 minutes into Washington, DC and gets married there. Both imaginary couples go home, and have no more rights than they did when they left. So, instead of getting pissed off at the Canadian government for saying out loud what has essentially been true all along. Let's get pissed off at our own government and demand that it repeal DOMA. Let's keep electing democratic presidents so that maybe someday the Supreme Court can be occupied by enough of those crazy, activist judges that the republicans like to complain about to finally declare it illegal to refuse marriage licenses to same-sex couples. Not just in Iowa or California, but in all 50 state. I'd like to enter into a marriage that matters, and I don't think that's too much to ask.